Is it better to live in a state of equilibrium or in a world of extreme feelings? I know what I want someday, and I know I need to look for it now, but to be honest it just seems much easier to carry on with my happy, stable routine. I've had such a good week this week because it's been quiet and ordered, with everything in its proper place, neatly timetabled, and exactly as I want it. My budget is down to the pound, my timing is down to the minute, my meals are planned and my evenings are quiet and peaceful. Frankly it seems easiest to retain the routine that keeps my highly anal mind happy and minimises extreme emotions.
Easiest, but not brave enough. I think I should strike out there, dare to step outside the routine and look for someone who will disrupt my life, make things difficult and cause those highs and lows of emotion that can only happen when you begun to really care about what someone else thinks of you. I haven't felt those emotions for a while, but I remember a vividness and a colour to life that created feelings I still dream about now when sitting idly on the bus with nothing to do but let my mind wander. I remember what it feels like to chase and to catch, to love and to dare to give your heart, and I know that it makes life brighter and more worth living...yet I don't have the energy to go out and grab those feelings again. At the moment I feel like I'd far rather carry on with my ordered, easy, single life and aim for all the things that I can control and weave into this timetabled existence, rather than the one thing that I can't. Part of my knows this is wrong but most of me thinks it can't be bothered to disrupt my happy, quiet, stable little life. Will I ever want to slip out of equilibrium again?