Bloodshed and terror on the battleground of the flatlands

by Our Special Correspondent

In a dramatic resumption of hostilities, the early hours of this morning saw the most bloody episode of the war so far in the bathroom of the flatlands. Rising early, the defending forces moved with confidence towards the warzone, only to observe the enemy lurking in the tiny gap under the pipe that was the only part of the border that remained unsealed. His confidence shaken but his ambitions undented, the invading force retreated after a powerful stamp on the floor from the intrepid Miss B, only to return some few seconds later to his attacking position. Another stamp sent him once more behind Asian Cooking, at which point our flatland army realised that only the most drastic action could end this latest episode in the ongoing war of attrition. Only the most deadly weapon could now vanquish the arachnid foe.

Taking up her trusty broom, Miss B seized the brush end and commenced her decisive assault. Poking with force at the lowest book in the pile, she managed eventually to push it fully under the pipe in an attack that must surely have permanently ended the ambitions of the enemy, if he had not moved quickly enough back to his lair. Had he been caught between the unyielding hardback spine and the wall, there was surely no possibility of survival.

It seems that victory has gone to the flatlanders in this latest and possibly final battle in the War of 36B. But, as we have seen, the enemy can retaliate in the most unexpected of ways. Will he return once again to launch another attack upon the noble Miss B? Or will his assault have been finally and terminally ended in this morning's bloodiest of battles? On this question, as indeed on the outcome of this entire war of attrition, only time will tell.