The past two days have not been spectacularly brilliant. There have been high points (Chorus, the first few hours in the bar yesterday) but in general the low points have been many, starting with a horrible open day when my manager snapped at me and I convinced myself that I am in fact inept and rubbish at my job. Of course the next day she couldn't even remember doing it and therefore in fact doesn't think I'm totally hopeless, but I spent the day thinking I was. I will always over-react to that particular tone of voice no matter who uses it - I just can't handle it at all or deal with it in a sensible rational way. It's an achievement when I don't burst into tears on the spot! I did however manage to remain professional until my way home from Chorus, when I could finally sit quietly and think properly about the day, following which I began crying while still walking down my road and continued this when I got into my house, working up into a proper sobbing session as I thought about how I had no-one to comfort me at home, my love life was a failure and therefore I needed to define myself by my job, which I was rubbish at.
Cheerful stuff this, isn't it?!
Anyway, I eventually fell asleep hoping that life would look better in the morning. This soon turned out not to be the case when I woke up feeling so tired that I thought I might throw up. Someone had apparently attached weights to my eyelids as well and in general I was still as completely depressed as I had been the night before. I made it to work and spent the morning silently uttering my favourite phrase of the moment, "It's ok, I won't be here next year" which is such a happy thought at times like that. By the afternoon the sun had broken through the clouds and I was feeling much happier again - I can never stay totally depressed for very long which is reassuring as I do worry sometimes that I seem to be feeling sad an awful lot lately. I was still absolutely knackered but everyone was going out after work so I made the effort to come out for one, which obviously led to me being one of the three people left in the bar at 9.30. Unfortunately by this point a vast amount of wine had been consumed (I will never ever learn) and I have no idea how this next bit happened, but somehow I ended up sobbing hysterically in the bar in full view of the general public, about how my life was total crap, I would never meet a man and I was rubbish at my job. One of our Officers was there and told me that this was all bollocks and I was in fact fantastic at my job, which in hindsight was nice to hear.
Anyway, this morning I woke up highly embarrassed about the whole affair and with a pretty cracking hangover as well. I haven't cried in a pub in public for a year and a half now and I'm fairly concerned that it happened, but I know I can prevent it happenening again by not drinking wine (whether this will actually be achievable I don't know) and I have no idea of how to cheer myself up, so I may as well soldier on and look forward to next weekend, when the girls and I will be enjoying an evening of smut and innuendo and I can have a good gossip with people I haven't seen for a while. Plus I haven't got any more open days to worry about until April so that has to be another good sign!
Apologies for another depressing post, but I thought this blog ought to be a bit more honest. I usually write about incidents like this in Word and then save them on my computer, but I thought that this is supposed to be a record of my life and that should include bad times as well as good. Hopefully when another good period comes round I'll be able to look back at this and be even more grateful that I'm happy - and the fact that I'm even thinking that there will be good times ahead has cheered me up a little already. I hope they come round soon.