So, ladies and gents, the spectacular festival of camp that is Eurovision is over for another year, and I feel that the main events of the evening can best be summed up by the legend that is Sir Terence of Wogan.
On one of the video links: "They're going to hurl themselves into the icy water. They do a lot of this in Finland...and there's a lot of deaths".
On Georgia: "They've got cossack dancers, and there will be sword fighting later. Hurrah".
On Sweden: "An androgynous lad with an interesting line in metallic chest hair". He wasn't lying.
On France: "Gosh, wasn't that awful". Again, an accurate observation. I can't believe they got the same number of points as us.
On Russia: "Now I don't know about you, but I can remember when all Russian girls had moustaches and looked like Kruschev's mother".
Other acts of note were the German swing group, the scary lesbians of Serbia (who won - how?!) and the jaw droppingly special Ukrainians who were definitely robbed.
The evening then moved on to the interval act. "You don't often see this. A man swallowing a flourescent tube".
We then had the voting. On the Ukraine - "Are those your own teeth, dear?". On Russia - "Good evening, Mrs Putin". And on the UK - "It's Fern Cotton! Heavens, I know her! I know that girl".
Finally, the Serbians emerged to sing their winning song, clutching various random paraphernalia. "Is that a traditional Serbian cucumber you've got there, my man?"
A truly special evening as always. I'll leave the final word to Terry - "It's been a wonderful wonderful evening. I mean, not musically of course". Brilliant.