Sunday, May 14, 2006

Today I have been thinking

Actually, recently I have been thinking and today I have decided to write.

It started with films. I watch a lot of films and noticed a theme in some of the ones I've seen most recently - they all involved a lead male character who was fiercely in love with the lead female in the way that people can only be in films. I know that films are not reality and that life can never be like that, and I wouldn't want an intense passionate relationship because they rarely end well. What I'm after is a quiet but happy life, shambling along with someone who makes me laugh, occasionally makes spontaneous romantic gestures and will carry me home when I've been on the wine. However, I also need this person to be in love with me in the way that the men in the films are, in the way that I have been once and in the way that in my more cynical moments I doubt whether an actual man can be.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I can see that I've got a pretty face and occasionally good hair. I'm no longer too fat (although I'd love to lose another stone) and I'm a fun and interesting person when I make myself come out of shy mode. Basically I think I'm likely to find a few people who think I'm attractive. However, the thought of actually being able to find that one person who is willing to go on life's journey with me is a very very scary one. I've never believed that there's only one person for everyone - I think if you have a connection and fancy someone, and have similar life goals, you can make a life defining relationship with them. But there are some crucial things that I find it hard to believe I will ever find. I want someone who will love me to the last, who will fight for me until their dying breath, who will want to build their life with me. Someone who will know within their soul that they could never leave me, even while I am irritating them and annoying them and driving them crazy. I need someone who will stand with me all the days of my life and will want to share their bed with me when we are young and hopeful, middle aged with children, and old and grey. Being a bit of a wedding nutter (hopefully not in a scary way!) I know the marriage vows off by heart and I have absolutely no intention of saying them until I am standing in front of someone whose eyes I can look into and mean every single word, and know that they mean it too. Is such a thing possible? Can such a person exist? Are there really any men out there who can make me laugh, make me want to jump on them and throw them into bed, truly appreciate the wonder and joy of music, share a desire to travel the world, genuinely want marriage and children, love getting drunk and dancing, really appreciate the perfection of a summers day, be happy to deal with me when I can't form coherent sentences, occasionally be romantic for no reason, do the thousand other small, silly and insignificant things that make relationships so great, AND love me with their whole heart and soul until the end of all things? And can such a person be found in the rough locality of CV32?

This is one of those moments when I think such a thing is ludicrously impossible. May I please be proven wrong.


Naomi said...

This is such a moving entry! I totally believe there is someone - especially for someone so stunning and having so much going for her as you do.

I was feeling exactly the same in September when I was feeling disillusioned with love and was certain that I'd end up a lonely old spinster with no-one to share my life with. It just seemed so hard - despite all my efforts I couldn't find someone I wanted to spend my life with who also liked me. In fact, the thought of someone liking me who I liked was gradually becoming more and more impossible.

Then what would you know, literally a few weeks later I met such a man. Not only does he fulfill all of my criteria (which also match yours!)but he actually liked me too! I've counted myself lucky ever since.

So there you go - it really does and WILL happen. But I bet it will be when you're least expecting it :-).

Don't give up hope - someone as brilliant as you will end up happy - I guarantee it.

Juicy the emotionally challenged said...

Sarah, your entry has made me cry dammit. I'm such an emotional retard. That was a really beautiful entry and I hope with all my heart that you find that special person.

You know you're well fit ;-)

Naomi said...

Actually sod Ben and men in general, why don't we go off together? I mean at least we know how to behave in public and hold in wind unlike a lot of men!

Sarah said...

Thanks ladies, you're both fab. Naomi, I'm totally up for that! A highly logical and sensible idea. ;o) Juicy, do you want to join in? You're well fit too!

Kel said...

Can I join in too? ;o)

I echo what Juicy and Naomi said, Sarah you are amazing lovely and gorgeous and one day that special man will walk in to your life. I know that it feels like he never will, but keep waiting, I'm sure it will happen!


Juicy the closet Lesbian who likes men too much but thinks Ladies have lovely breasts. said...

oooh a fit lady foursome? Sounds like a plan!!

mmm, breasts.

Ali said...

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, don't shoot the messenger and all that, but you did specify that you wanted someone to have children with. This may be a challenge if you opt for the lesbian foursome option!

Naomi said...

Ah medicine and technology can do wonders these days, so that's not a problem!

(Oooh my spam word thing was 'ejuce' - sounds like a Yorkshire man addressing juicy - eee by gum!)

Lu said...

Naomi, your comment has cheered me up no end. I have to keep believing there's hope for me in the relationship stakes - even if the majority of the time I find it hard to believe - and the thought that someone else felt the same as me and has found someone is really heartening :)

In other news, given that the most significant relationship of my life (with a car, no less) is now over, can I join your lesbian commune?

Sarah, hang in there. I know it seems finding someone who embodies all the qualities you're looking for is incredibly unlikely, but it is possible. And it will happen. Someone as fab as you is bound to find a great bloke, and when you do, he'll finally see what the rest of the male population have been missing out on - an incredibly wonderful lady with some fab shoes!

Blimey, that was a long comment. On that note, I'm going to bed!


Juicy said...

Yay! A quintet of lovely ladies!

mmm, shoes.

Simon said...

Bloody hell that's rather deep.

There is one person who wants to be that bloke to someone, however he's related to you. Urgh, incest. Yuck.

I'm also having precisely the same thoughts at the moment! And I'm only 19.

Putting it down to exams at the moment. 14 hours worth is far too much for a fourth year.

Meh, cheers up Barbours!

Simon said...

Fourth year? First year. It's past my bed time.