Actually, recently I have been thinking and today I have decided to write.
It started with films. I watch a lot of films and noticed a theme in some of the ones I've seen most recently - they all involved a lead male character who was fiercely in love with the lead female in the way that people can only be in films. I know that films are not reality and that life can never be like that, and I wouldn't want an intense passionate relationship because they rarely end well. What I'm after is a quiet but happy life, shambling along with someone who makes me laugh, occasionally makes spontaneous romantic gestures and will carry me home when I've been on the wine. However, I also need this person to be in love with me in the way that the men in the films are, in the way that I have been once and in the way that in my more cynical moments I doubt whether an actual man can be.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I can see that I've got a pretty face and occasionally good hair. I'm no longer too fat (although I'd love to lose another stone) and I'm a fun and interesting person when I make myself come out of shy mode. Basically I think I'm likely to find a few people who think I'm attractive. However, the thought of actually being able to find that one person who is willing to go on life's journey with me is a very very scary one. I've never believed that there's only one person for everyone - I think if you have a connection and fancy someone, and have similar life goals, you can make a life defining relationship with them. But there are some crucial things that I find it hard to believe I will ever find. I want someone who will love me to the last, who will fight for me until their dying breath, who will want to build their life with me. Someone who will know within their soul that they could never leave me, even while I am irritating them and annoying them and driving them crazy. I need someone who will stand with me all the days of my life and will want to share their bed with me when we are young and hopeful, middle aged with children, and old and grey. Being a bit of a wedding nutter (hopefully not in a scary way!) I know the marriage vows off by heart and I have absolutely no intention of saying them until I am standing in front of someone whose eyes I can look into and mean every single word, and know that they mean it too. Is such a thing possible? Can such a person exist? Are there really any men out there who can make me laugh, make me want to jump on them and throw them into bed, truly appreciate the wonder and joy of music, share a desire to travel the world, genuinely want marriage and children, love getting drunk and dancing, really appreciate the perfection of a summers day, be happy to deal with me when I can't form coherent sentences, occasionally be romantic for no reason, do the thousand other small, silly and insignificant things that make relationships so great, AND love me with their whole heart and soul until the end of all things? And can such a person be found in the rough locality of CV32?
This is one of those moments when I think such a thing is ludicrously impossible. May I please be proven wrong.